The Point of It All

What is the point of it all? Why get up in the morning? Why keep going? Put differently, what needs to be happening in my life for me to want to keep going? Or what do I need to do to live a meaningful life?

In order to live a meaningful life, I need to be doing the following things: learning, expressing, loving, being known, and being loved.

Learning. I need to learn, not for the sake of learning, but to get answers to specific questions that, if left unanswered, would haunt me and disrupt my sleep.

Expressing. I need to express myself through my words. There’s something exhilarating about combining words to convey meaning and something especially exhilarating about combining words to convey my own inner experience.

Loving. I need to know others, empathize with them, do my part to help them live healthier and happier lives.

Being known. I need people to know me, the real me, to see past their preconceptions of me.

Being loved. I need others to accept me, like me, want to spend time with me, want to support me.

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When I look back on some of my most distressing times, I can see that at least one of these needs was not being met. One example that comes to mind is the time I participated in a biweekly therapy group. The point of the group was for members to speak as authentically about their inner experiences as possible. Over a period of several months, I had some moments of connection with other group members, but for the most part I felt too timid to share my real self, and for this reason felt generally unhappy.

One week I resolved to do something different and shared something about myself that I knew might make others uncomfortable. My intention was not to offend but to connect. Unfortunately, one group member grew upset and said some hurtful things to me, and because of this, I eventually left the group. In retrospect, I think this was probably the right decision, as I don’t think that those individuals would have ever loved my authentic self. I felt loved when I did not express my innermost feelings but the only way to maintain that love was to forfeit my needs to be expressive and to be known.

Relationships can be tough and painful, and for this reason I have spent much of my life prioritizing self-development over human connection. For instance, I spent several years writing novels that I mostly kept to myself. My need to express was met, but fear of rejection prevented me from trying to get other needs met.

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Needless to say, living a good life is largely beyond my control. I can do some of these things without others, but I can’t force others to know me or love me.

My challenge going forward is to try harder to get all of my needs met. There’s no guarantee, and there’s certainly risk involved, the risk of being hurt because I tried to get certain needs met and the risk of downplaying certain needs to avoid being hurt. But that’s just the way it is, and there’s no other way forward.

Many things in my life are very good. I’m able to regularly learn things I find interesting. I have a job that enables me to love others. And I have a very loving marriage and some very meaningful family relationships in which I can express myself and feel known. But I need more friends. Yes, there’s always the possibility of rejection, but if that happens, I need to bounce back and keep moving forward.